Wednesday, August 5, 2009


For many years now I have commuted from Calvert County, MD to D.C. For those of you not local, that’s about 55 miles one way. Yes, it sucks giant hairy ass, but I am pretty much used to it. Some days though, I want to punch the steering wheel and scream at the top of my lungs. I should also mention that on these particular days, if I had a bat, I would probably be in jail.

To make my morning and evening commutes extra special, I get to deal with all sorts of drivers on the road. These types are:

The Slow Poke: We all know him or her. They drive at least 5 miles under the speed limit and are usually oblivious to the fact that there are 20 cars backed up behind them. Slow pokes are also know for making you just miss a light.

The Hemorrhoid: Usually seen following about an inch from the slow poke or any other driver who happens to be driving too slow for them. Note, they usually drive large pick-up trucks and keep their high beams on making it almost impossible to see.

The Weaver: Weaves in and out of traffic like a lunatic. The weaver is usually a hemorrhoid that has lost their shit.

The Asshole: This includes hemorrhoids and weavers, but also people who repeatedly make dick moves all the way up the road. Assholes are also known for flashing their lights at you in an attempt to get you to move over, even though you are already going 80. They then proceed to go around you while simultaneously flicking you off or giving you the stare down. They complete their asshole move by cutting in front of you with less than a half an inch clearance. This may be followed by another round of being flicked off. I depends on the asshole.

The Cell Phone User: The cell phone user is clearly unable to do two things at once. They are easy to spot. If you see the following things, you have found a cell phone user: weaving within the lane coming dangerously close to sideswiping other vehicles, driving 10-20 miles under the speed limit, picking up speed for 30 seconds (fooling the driver behind them) only to drop back down to 30 miles under the speed limit. Watch for early or late breaking. You can never tell which it will be. It is best to go around cell phone users, and feel free to flick them off, they probably won’t even notice.

The Speed Locker: This is the person who saunders up next to you when you are stuck behind a slow poke. They show signs of going faster than the slow poke, but once they get next to you or the slow poke, they lock speeds making it impossible for you to go anywhere. Warning, the speed locker can cause you to become an asshole.

The Blamer: This is a person who does something stupid in traffic and looks at you like you did it. I hate blamers.

The Mother F&*king Asshole: This is the person who decides the rules do not apply to them. Not only are they an asshole, but they are also known for breaking out of line and riding the shoulder or the lane next to you so they can cut in line when there’s a backup. They break the majority of the rules on the road and feel they are entitled to do so. Mother f&*king assholes make everyone around them want to beat them to a bloody pulp with a bat or any large object within reach.

1 comment:

  1. i love it when a hemmorhoid gets up behind you when you are stuck behind a slow driver and starts like waving their arms and stuff, like "OMG< MOVE" even though you can't move because the slow poke is in front of you.

    and how about the assholes that honk THE SECOND the light turns green? sheesh, it takes a second to hit the gas, okay?