The Obits

I have returned. No, I didn’t fall off the face of the Earth, but life crept up from behind and tackled me to the ground, sat on my head and kicked me a few times. I can’t make any promises that it won’t happen again, but I will do my best to avoid a complete takeover.

So, “normal” has basically returned and I am enjoying a small break in workflow at the office. By small break I mean, 3 phone calls in the past 3 days, and they were all from the same person, who already had asked the same questions last week. I have organized my desk, my electronic folders, the copy room across the way, and lets not forget the handmade dividers I made for my paper files. I am in heaven with the neatness! After completing all of this, I got bored and decided to check out Southern Maryland’s website. I like to read the police reports and wedding announcements, but what I find most interesting is the obits. Ok, so maybe it’s a bit morbid, but I like to see who has passed and read a bit about them. Isn’t that the point of an obituary though? These little tidbits of people’s lives written so people know that they have in fact died and oh, by the way here is little summary of their lives. People wouldn’t post them if they didn’t want them read. Right?

So yesterday, I had a good 3 months worth to catch up on. Yeah, I was a bit depressed by the time I finished. I was briefly introduced to a number of deceased. Don’t judge me. I do have a couple complaints though. First, I wish people would reconsider the pictures they post. I have never seen so many horrible pictures. Seriously, it’s like they said, “hey, lets find the meanest picture of grandpa, or hey, let’s use the one of grandma, you know, the one we took right after she accidentally dyed her hair purple and oh yeah, she had a black eye from slipping on the rug!” Ok, so maybe they weren’t that bad, but you get my point. When I die, whoever is in charge of my obit needs to spend hours looking for a good picture of me. If that can’t be accomplished, an artist rendering will do. Secondly, would it kill anyone (no pun) to mention why or how these people died? It might help avoid 100 people coming up to you at the service asking what John died from. If someone is 100, it’s a pretty sure bet it was old age, but maybe not. Maybe, John didn’t die from old age, maybe he jumped out of an airplane and the chute didn’t open. Did you ever consider that? How awesome would John be for being 100 and jumping out of a plane? They should think about John’s legacy before they leave that little fact out of his Obit. John may have been boring his whole life, but that one little adventure, makes him a rock star!

So now that you think I am nuts, let me summarize. When I die, I want a good picture. If I don’t get one, I will haunt whoever was in charge of choosing my crappy picture. Secondly, please, let the world know what happened to me. If I get run over by a milk truck, my obit should read: Suzanne left this world while running a full marathon at the age of 90 (rock star). The milk truck driver never saw her coming or perhaps froze in disbelief at the sight of a 90 year old winning the race . . . I guess it was her time. She is now free to fulfill her afterlife dreams of haunting people. Beware. Why not give someone a laugh at my expense. I doubt I will care.